Saturday, June 5, 2010

Life and my normal knowledge

What's up everyone ??? If you know me real well I'm in a down mood right now. My life in the last few weeks has been a total adventure. My family and friends have been AWESOME. I know I'm my own worst critic and I let the small stuff eat my insides. Were told don't sweat the small stuff. Or just let it go. I know that!!! If today is a cloudy day the sun will be out tomorrow. Maybe I should just totally let you in. Even though you may think I wear my heart on my sleeve, I hold back a little. I can't ever seem weak or vulnerable. So here you go sharing my adventure out loud the Inside of the plumber you don't see due to me being a masculine manly man.
It all started a few weeks ago when I knew the Ironhourse Bicycle race was approaching. Did I train hard enough ??? Who knows,,, but 70 miles in 3 hours is fast isn't it. I feel as fit as I have ever been since I was 18. And of course now I'm clean, drug and alcohol free. Living life as pure as I can, maybe and you soon find out why I question myself. We leave for Durango Colorado. I say we meaning my Lovely wife, My adopted sister Jenn Lindsey, And Nick Clark my best buddy, health mentor and honorary brother. We are ready for the big show. A bicycle race like no other in a town where I never been. Oh and at elevation, great for the flatlander. I'm pumped and ready. We roll into town and low and behold I'm riding with the mayor. Every one knows nick and his family. It has begun, I can't fail or I will let down the mayor. This is my mind working me. Also everyone we meet and tell about the race talks about the negatives. (we all know negativity brings negativity... RIGHT) OK blow it off live in the positive.
Now we arrive at Nicks childhood home. I meet his mom Rose, A beautiful, loving, nurturing, fit, compassionate women. Now I now why Nick is Nick. Plus I get this all from Rose in the first half hour. WOW her name fits her, a rose soft, delicate, beautiful, full of color, with just enough thorns to protect it. A MOM... period. We begin to celebrate. Other family and friends arrive. Grandpa Dominic, an salty dog who lives with faith and old school knowledge. Aunt Pat(pete) much more outspoken then her sister Rose, She's Like my aunts, I love her immediately. Her sons and Nicks buds J.R. and younger brother Jeffrey. Both awesome kind hearted men whom I would hang with and help any way I could in life. Definite cool dudes. Then Brian and his fiancé(I'm sorry her name escapes me. she was so quiet and polite)Brian was also very serious and restrained. But I knew he had that party animal inside. He just conformed to fit into this world we live in. Always awesome when one controls there inner spirit, good job Brian. All great company, which made me think about Home,,, N.Y. that is. The demons have infiltrated my head 100%.
The bike race morning starts at 2:30am for me 5:45 for everyone else. Can't sleep, the butterfly's won't quiet down and get in order. OK I'm strong, fit, I trained. We eat and suit up. Peddle to the start line. I'm feeling Nausea so bad I can't decide which way to release it. (I know gross but I am the Plumber) Nick and I start and stay together for a few miles. I slack off because I want him to do this for him not me. He is off like a race car, good, win it bro. Then maybe 3 miles in we almost have a crash, people clip tires and I almost eat it. But again training saves me. Then about 8 miles in I pull over and hurl, upchuck, spill cookies, spurge, pray to the imaginary porcelain god (just couldn't resist, the plumber again) Now it's on and it's the hardest feat I have ever done. Head down, muscle threw the pain, and don't let lack of oxygen weaken me. I went mental of course, my thoughts were all over the place. It was almost funny but the demons were in control. 35 miles in and the officials stop me and about 40 others. We just completed the longest hardest peak. But they said on the final down hills wind conditions are too dangerous. you have finished the race. No I didn't there were 15 miles left, The fun part no less. Yea I just did the hard part but I need the prize, the true finish. I failed, I let my body quit because I was too slow, 20 minutes faster and the finish line was mine. Do you see how we are our own worst enemy ??? Bring on the funk, But put on a happy face for others. Can't show I'm weak, I did good and everyone around was good and positive. I love you all but I'm hurting inside alone !!!
So we return back to Sac-town and my thoughts and doubts grow. I realized I wasn't eating good because the scale don't lie. Weight gain and no workouts. Loose the house we made an offer on. The office p.c. is down so I can't start my new routine with Mike Arnold. My friend Tiffany"s mom passed R.I.P Pat Palmer, Which brought old friendship drama and more negativity. The demons are winning,,, Nope I'm in control I can't be beaten. My Iron-man training starts Monday. Hardcore workouts. let the "endorphins" (I know Its spelled wrong but can't find correct spelling) flow. Just letting you in my heart with no walls will help. Its like laying on the couch with the psychiatric doctor, except it's my laptop playing some classic Queen as I type. Boy that Pandora program ROCKS... "JdP" OUT

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